Delivered: My Postpartum Battle

Throughout my postpartum journey, the overwhelming emotions that I felt were shame and failure. I continually felt like I was not doing enough, helping our daughter enough, or living up to the idea of “what I thought a mom should be doing”.  I didn’t realize how much of a strong pull these emotions took over my mind. Throughout our 37 day journey, prior to hospitalization, we met with multiple psychiatrists, therapists, and psychologists in hopes that I would find a treatment program that would help my symptoms.  However, this did not happen.

We did successfully find a nurse practitioner, who was a huge help in regards to finding meds that “somewhat helped” however nothing truly altered my insomnia or my anxious symptoms.  On two separate occasions, I felt like I was having panic attacks.  During both accounts, I was exiting a patient’s COVID room…with all the gear on (gown, gloves, eye protection, N95 mask, and face shield).  I felt my heart rate immediately increase and it was pounding so strong that I felt as if I could pass out.  During both “attacks”, which I say with quotes because I was never medically diagnosed with panic attacks, I would seek out our therapy director.  She walked with me to the inpatient psychiatry unit.  I was able to sit down with one of the nurses and describe my symptoms along with the fact that I was experiencing constant anxiety and insomnia nightly.  

After the second “attack”, a different nurse brought me the business card for one of the psychiatrists on that unit who also owned a private, outpatient clinic.  I figured, if he was smart enough to be heavily involved on the inpatient unit and run a clinic, then I wanted to see him ASAP.  Also, to my husband and myself looking back, it was almost a blessing in disguise that these attacks happened because an initial evaluation with a psychiatrist at that time was over a 6-8 month wait list….and I didn’t have 6-8 months to wait.

So we went to see Dr. L, who’s name will not be mentioned due to confidentiality.  My dad and husband accompanied me to that appointment.  Dr. L had a fantastic personality! He was extremely smart and well spoken but we all agreed the best part, was his bedside manner. It’s not too often in our world today that your doctor will spend an hour with you at an evaluation and not triple bill you for the amount of time that they spent with you. He was a rare gem!  He continued the 3 medications that I was currently taking, prescribed by the nurse practitioner, and he changed my nighttime sleep medication.  At this time, he recommended that I take this medication for 2 nights and if I was not having restful sleep then he would increase it on day 3.  Again, I hate taking medications! I don’t take any in my prior life, besides a multivitamin…so this whole experience with taking 3 medications at a time was so odd and out of body for me.  

By the end of January 2021, I was still barely sleeping an hour a night, if that. I spoke to my boss and filed the paperwork for FMLA. I would then be off work for a total of 11 weeks, searching to find myself again.  I will never forget calling the HR team at my hospital and asking for that FMLA paperwork and guidance with filing it out.  This was the ultimate form of failure, in my opinion.  

In summary, I couldn’t help my daughter gain weight, couldn’t keep the weight on her, wasn’t as successful as I’d hoped with breastfeeding, couldn’t prevent a flat spot on her head…and now I couldn’t even perform my daily job duties successfully.  I was breaking down.  I will add, I was barely eating, probably less than 200-300 calories a day.  Food meant nothing to me anymore. I needed help and I needed it fast.

After day 3 on the new sleeping pill, I called Dr. L. I felt no change.  So he increased the dose, and as advised I took the medication begrudgingly.  The next day, we did a Telehealth appointment with himself, my dad, and my husband. He told us that he wanted to increase the dose one final time.  I was not comfortable taking such a high dose in my home and he mentioned an inpatient psych stay on the unit at the hospital, in order for him to monitor me.  I was shell shocked.

I don’t need to go to the hospital! I just need sleep! I don’t understand why no-one is understanding this! Dr. L said this would be the final increase of the medication and if I was not comfortable taking it at home then I would need to agree to go to the hospital. After a long car ride home and strong consideration, arguments, and encouragement for my two men, I knew that we were at a dead end.  It had been 37 days of doctors, therapists, medications, and individual work we all had put in.  I finally agreed to go to the hospital.

Now let’s touch on that failure topic again.  So here I am, being driven to the hospital, that I’m an employee at, by my dad to check into their psychiatry unit.  I cannot even describe and articulate the amount of failure, shame, anxiety, and embarrassment I felt for having to be admitted.  It’s something that at times, still bothers me today.  We made a quick stop at registration for me to sign all the papers and forms, also to provide my insurance information. The young man who took me via wheelchair to the unit offered the back elevators, because I told him I was an employee.  Of course, as we are getting into those elevator, we run into two of the nurses I know from the step down unit. I told them that I was there for a check up and the young man rolled me onward.  

As we arrive to the unit, there are cameras present and two sets of glass doors.  My dad was not permitted to enter thru either set of those doors, so this is where we had to say our goodbyes.  That was one of the most emotional things that I think either of us will ever have to do in our lifetimes.  I cannot imagine his emotions at that time! You can hear about his experience on this weeks episode of Delivered, which will release on 12/5/23 on all podcast hosting sites.  We shared our goodbyes and several long hugs and off I rolled into the unit.  This is just the beginning of my Admitted story! Stay tuned to find out what happens when I’m finally behind those glass doors. 

The best is yet to come…I promise!

XX

Athena